I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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