the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I smell like Dick and happiness
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
