I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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