kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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