the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
