maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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