bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
