I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize