if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
As shirtless as possible
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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