He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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