I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
