i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
