Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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