I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
