Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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