i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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