He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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