Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize