Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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