I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
