we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
