in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
