he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
