Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
