I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
