Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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