I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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