I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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