Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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