I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
