My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize