Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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