Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
