Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
