the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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