i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
