So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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