i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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