Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it's great music for shaving your balls
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
