Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
