hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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