I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
