My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
