Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
