It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
