this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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