The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
