shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
