If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
