I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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