i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize