Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
