dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize