from now on my penis is your penis
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
