so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
